10 weeks - a little on the personal side

only 10 more weeks. 10. I'm not sure what to do with myself at this point...and I know that feeling of nervousness and excitement will only increase.

this week's reason I am waiting 15 more weeks is because of his dedication to me and to us. In July, two years ago, cameron took me on the most special date I have ever been on. We went up to the canyon and had a fire. I guess that seems like a pretty standard date....but half way through our fire cameron wrapped his arms around me and told me the sweetest things I've ever heard...then he promised me that if I wait for him, he will take me to the temple and marry me forever. Then he pulled out the prettiest ring and slipped it on my finger. After that...I was officially waiting for my cameron.

There has been lots of different parts of my waiting experience. Right after cameron left, (from october 2010 up until march 2011) I was in a sorts of depression. Not really depression, just true sadness because I had lost my best friend and the idea of two years scared me to pieces. I stayed home a lot and cried even more. It was very rough. That summer was better. I was more myself, and more comfortable with the idea of being 'alone' for two years and waiting. The fall brought a new school and a new chapter in my life...with lots of new emotions. My friends all moved away for school and I stayed home, to commute to my lovely school and (in all honesty) save money and prepare to be married. I bought a car and got (what I call) a grown up job. It was a plan that I was completely happy with until it began. When my friends moved away and left me, I began to feel resentment towards cameron and myself. Not that he had ever ever ever told me to stay home and wait, but because I had made decisions for 'us' and 'us' wasn't real, so to speak. That was probably the hardest time for me. I moved my ring to my thumb finger and began to be complacent about cameron and about our relationship. Not because I didn't love him, but because it is beyond words hard to love someone you never see or talk to. It is so very hard.

Our christmas conversation was great, but not magical. And I started to think seriously that cameron and I weren't going to last. We had made it a year and had a good run...but regardless of my doubts, I kept my ring on and continued to pray for us. From January to April I lost 40 pounds, and with it, all doubt I had about us and about my life. I know that may seem corny, but it's not. It truly made my life so much happier and my relationship with cameron so much happier. I was more proud of who I was and who I was to him. I was proud to have him tell me I'm beautiful or attractive, because, for the first time in our entire relationship, I believed it. It's not something easy to understand, and if you've never been overweight you don't know what a major impact it has on such basic aspects of your life. The change of mind I gained when I lost the weight this spring gave me the courage to re-acess my relationship and goals with cameron. After much praying and pondering I realized what I already knew. Cameron is the best man I know, and I love him deeply. I want nothing more than to be sealed to him and raise a family together. In a sense, I fell in love with him all over again. He is my best friend and although I had forgotten there for a while, I know I am blessed to have this opportunity to wait for him. My reward, in october, will make all the sadness and insecurity seem silly.

Now, my reason for still waiting...although for some months I had forgotten, cameron never did. And his commitment to me never wavered. He has sent me at least one letter and two emails every week since he left. Most weeks I get two letters. One on wednesday and one on friday and email on monday. He has always told me that he wants the time I go without hearing him tell me he loves me to be short, so he plans the days to send his letters accordingly.

Cameron has always been ideal and understanding, through all this. And although it took some self discovery and change on my part I know that we are both where we are supposed to be. This was the right choice for me and I am humbled at how blessed I am to be given the opportunity to wait for such a valiant man.