6, 5, 4 weeks

Oh ya, remember that countdown I was going to do? you know, the 15 reasons I am waiting 15 more weeks? Well, I pretty much have given up on blogging, until tonight. So instead of doing my silly countdown I am just going to let it out.

 I'm pretty much scared out of my mind.

30 days left, and I am so happy to see him again. However, in the back of my head is that little negativity that asks, "what if it doesn't work out. What if you spent two years of your life waiting for a boy who won't like you anymore?" What if?

The thought completely torments me, but is a valid fear. This is why other girls date and don't "put all their eggs in one basket." This is why people don't wait. I can't even remember what his voice sounds like or how much taller than me he is in person, and yet, I'm planning on marring him in the spring. I haven't been on a date since last september, and it was an awful date at that. I don't remember how to kiss or even "go on a date." All I remember is "waiting for a missionary. for cameron." I'm scared to have to relearn everything.

Now, let's be honest....It's going to take work. I think we both understand that. We are going to have to re-date one another and get to know each other again. Two years is a long time, and a lot has happened these past two years in both of our lives. I believe however, through all this doubt and fear and all the hard work that it is going to take, that we are going to make it. We are going to get engaged, get married, and start our life together. It's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.

I signed up for this. I knew what I was getting into and I promised to wait. I have been so blessed by this choice and am so proud of my missionary. It has been a long road and I'm sure the next 30 days will be no exception. But we are going to do this. We are going to be that 1% and I can't wait.

I love you babes and although I am so scared of our next steps, I can't wait to take them with you.
Seen you soon.

7 Weeks

The reason I am waiting 7 more weeks is because of his amazing family. His mom mostly. I am so grateful for her continual sacrifice for both her son and myself. Every phone call, every text. All the late nights she let me spend with him before he left. For letting me be there at his setting apart and at the MTC when we said goodbye. She loves her son so much, that she freely sacrifices for me. Freely and continually. I am so grateful to have her support and her love. I can't wait for all that this fall will bring both of us and I can't wait to live at her house again. And most of all, I can't wait to marry her son.

8 Weeks

The reason I am waiting 8 more weeks is selfish and vain.

 We are going to maui over thanksgiving. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to spend a vacation with my amazing family, extended family, and my lovely missionary. So why am I waiting 8 more weeks?

To see that man on the beach in a swimming suit. He is a hunk and I can't wait.

9 Weeks

Why am I waiting nine more weeks?

Oh, because he is so freaking attractive. His smile, his eyes, his arms, his bums, his dimples, his hands, his shoulders...I could go on and on. He is one attractive man and we will have adorable children. Simple as that. 

10 weeks - a little on the personal side

only 10 more weeks. 10. I'm not sure what to do with myself at this point...and I know that feeling of nervousness and excitement will only increase.

this week's reason I am waiting 15 more weeks is because of his dedication to me and to us. In July, two years ago, cameron took me on the most special date I have ever been on. We went up to the canyon and had a fire. I guess that seems like a pretty standard date....but half way through our fire cameron wrapped his arms around me and told me the sweetest things I've ever heard...then he promised me that if I wait for him, he will take me to the temple and marry me forever. Then he pulled out the prettiest ring and slipped it on my finger. After that...I was officially waiting for my cameron.

There has been lots of different parts of my waiting experience. Right after cameron left, (from october 2010 up until march 2011) I was in a sorts of depression. Not really depression, just true sadness because I had lost my best friend and the idea of two years scared me to pieces. I stayed home a lot and cried even more. It was very rough. That summer was better. I was more myself, and more comfortable with the idea of being 'alone' for two years and waiting. The fall brought a new school and a new chapter in my life...with lots of new emotions. My friends all moved away for school and I stayed home, to commute to my lovely school and (in all honesty) save money and prepare to be married. I bought a car and got (what I call) a grown up job. It was a plan that I was completely happy with until it began. When my friends moved away and left me, I began to feel resentment towards cameron and myself. Not that he had ever ever ever told me to stay home and wait, but because I had made decisions for 'us' and 'us' wasn't real, so to speak. That was probably the hardest time for me. I moved my ring to my thumb finger and began to be complacent about cameron and about our relationship. Not because I didn't love him, but because it is beyond words hard to love someone you never see or talk to. It is so very hard.

Our christmas conversation was great, but not magical. And I started to think seriously that cameron and I weren't going to last. We had made it a year and had a good run...but regardless of my doubts, I kept my ring on and continued to pray for us. From January to April I lost 40 pounds, and with it, all doubt I had about us and about my life. I know that may seem corny, but it's not. It truly made my life so much happier and my relationship with cameron so much happier. I was more proud of who I was and who I was to him. I was proud to have him tell me I'm beautiful or attractive, because, for the first time in our entire relationship, I believed it. It's not something easy to understand, and if you've never been overweight you don't know what a major impact it has on such basic aspects of your life. The change of mind I gained when I lost the weight this spring gave me the courage to re-acess my relationship and goals with cameron. After much praying and pondering I realized what I already knew. Cameron is the best man I know, and I love him deeply. I want nothing more than to be sealed to him and raise a family together. In a sense, I fell in love with him all over again. He is my best friend and although I had forgotten there for a while, I know I am blessed to have this opportunity to wait for him. My reward, in october, will make all the sadness and insecurity seem silly.

Now, my reason for still waiting...although for some months I had forgotten, cameron never did. And his commitment to me never wavered. He has sent me at least one letter and two emails every week since he left. Most weeks I get two letters. One on wednesday and one on friday and email on monday. He has always told me that he wants the time I go without hearing him tell me he loves me to be short, so he plans the days to send his letters accordingly.

Cameron has always been ideal and understanding, through all this. And although it took some self discovery and change on my part I know that we are both where we are supposed to be. This was the right choice for me and I am humbled at how blessed I am to be given the opportunity to wait for such a valiant man.

11 weeks

this is actually for last week...

My reason for waiting 11 more weeks for cameron involved a recent incident. I had a rough sunday and a rough week in general. I was super sad and needed to vent to my best friend...so I did. I told him my struggles and fears and told him how sad I was. His response was beyond words.

I will only show a small portion of what he said to me...But his response brought me to tears and made me so proud to call him mine. I am so very blessed to have such a wonderful man to support me in all aspects of life.

also, I know your Dad will come around and join the church eventually. Every person on this planet deserves a temple marriage, thats Heavenly Fathers plan, and wether or not it happens in this lifetime or the next, it will happen for those who are faithful. My Grandma was a member for almost 50 years before my Grandpa joined! She too joined when their kids were young and she probably felt the same things your Mom is feeling. My Grandma has one of the strongest testimonies i've ever seen, it had to be hard. But eventually an inspired home teacher who my Grandpa liked a lot struck a cord with him and he agreed to sincerely find out if the church was true. He was a nearly 60 year old convert! Today they are sealed and are both happy as ever. I have often thought about your Dad, and your family (in fact just last night I was :-)) and I do believe he will join the church before the next life. I do. Anything could be the turning point for your Dad, his daughter getting married in the temple, his son serving a mission, his grandkids being baptized, or even a home teacher that makes quick friends with him. Perhaps your Mom was meant to be with him so she could help him find the gospel, and you meant to help your Mom find it. No matter what though I know they will be sealed. Keep your chin up babe, everything will be alright :-) I wish i was there to hug you and wipe away your tears and then perhaps tell you some lame joke to make you smile haha :-) But dont fret, everything will be ok love :-) And know that i am definitely praying for them and you and patty. As part of my nightly prayers not a day has gone by the past two years that I haven't prayed for your Dad to join the church in the Lords due time. That day will come, i know so :-)
Don't apologize for telling me that hun, you know you can tell me anything. Its not good to bottle it all up and try to tough it out. Whenever you want to vent you know I will forever be here for you :-) And I know you are always there for me. You are my best friend Kayla! :-) You have never whined to me haha dont worry. We all get overwhelmed at times, i am grateful that we have each other to comfort each other and be there for each other. And soon i'll be able to "kiss it better" when you have those hard days :-) 

12 weeks

That's right folks, three more months.

Today's reason I am waiting twelve more weeks is simple. He calls me Love.

That's my favorite nickname ever.



Yes, he's a keeper.

13 Weeks

Our first date.

Cameron & I were rather unconventional from the beginning. I liked his best friend Mitch. I had a class with Mitch and would talk to him all class. I got to know him really well. He told me about his life and about the lives of his friends, including his best friend, Cameron. 

I knew of Cameron, after all he was friends and with my best friend and was even in her ward. 

One day, I asked Mitch about Cameron, and he asked me if Cam was cute.

That same night cameron texted me.

We texted and texted and texted (is that even the proper way to say that? who knows.)

But of course, since we only knew one another through text messages and stories courtesy of Mitchell, we never talked at school. We'd look at one another in the hall and look away.

Awkward, is the only way to describe it. 

Then he asked me on a date. A double date with Mitch. 

He picked me up and met my parents.
He opened my door and smelled divine.

We rode in his red jeep and talked like we were the best of friends. 

We went mini golfing and had ice cream.

I was nervous and he was so handsome.

I think it's fair to say that I had the hots for Cameron after he started texting me...but I really fell for him that night. Cameron was a perfect gentle man and made me feel so very special. 

He walked me to my door and it snowed. 

He gave me the best hug and left me thinking about him for the rest of the night until he finally
texted me again.

Perhaps it's not the most romantic of stories, but I love it. I love that we were set up and had so much in common from day one. He easily became my best friend and will forever be. Now here we are, just weeks until we can be together again and make new memories and I
could not be happier. 

14 Weeks

14 weeks...and, as of today, I officially have 100 days left.

100 people. Didn't I just post about how I only had 200 left? Ya, I did...but that was in April.

Time is seriously flying & I am so grateful.
In about a month I will be back at school and have just weeks until my Cameron is back. 

Needless to say, he is all I can think about at this point.

Here is this week's reason I am waiting 14 more weeks for this boy:

Cameron smells amazing. Since the night he picked me up for our first date in his jeep I have been obsessed with his smell. 

 His cologne and his natural scent mixed together are to die for. I promise.

I used to make him spray his cologne before we left anywhere.

The best? His car would fill up with his smell anytime we road together. It was heaven.

After I found out what his cologne was called I used to drag ashlee to Dillards just to get samples of his scent. Yes, creepy.

Before he left he went out and bought me my very only bottle of the stuff and I've been spraying it on my sweaters and scarves everyday since. I can't wait to bury my head in his chest again and be surrounded by his smell. 

It's truly funny how something so silly as a scent can bring back so many memories. But it's true. Cameron's scent brings back so many great memories and so many promises of things to come.
I love that boy.

15 Weeks

104 weeks is two years. two years is a full time mission. 

my elder has just 15 weeks left.  

to perhaps make these last weeks pass that much faster I am doing a countdown (surprise).

i have a million of these "countdowns," i.e. 107 days, 3 more links on the chain, 15 letters, ect.

whatever will make the time pass more quickly.

for this countdown, each sunday i will post a reason i am waiting 15 more weeks. 

a reason i fell in love, a reason i am in love, a reason for marriage, a memory, whatever. 

just a reason that my elder is worth this wait.

Reason number ONE i am waiting 15 more weeks for this boy:

he's a crier. 

the weekend before school started (senior year to be exact) we spent every moment together.

we both unspokenly knew that the onset of school meant the onset of big changes that would affect us for the next two years. basically, we knew that me starting school again meant that he would be
 leaving soon.

but that last night before school he spent the day at my house with my family. when it was time for him to leave i walked him out to his jeep. he embraced me and we both just cried. 

we cried because things were beginning to change.

the changes came quickly after that. one night, as we were packing up his room i looked at him and started crying. then i told him of my worst fear:

"what if i forget? what if i forget what it feels like to be with you? what if i forget why i'm doing this?"

he cried too. obviously we shared that fear. we spent the rest of the night crying in his room, together.

he's cried with me many a times. and although i don't enjoy his sadness, i enjoy the
comfort of sharing tears. he has never been afraid to cry with me or hold me as i cried. 

that is, perhaps, one of the things i miss most about him. i have been crying since the day he left, and have missed his comforting arms and whispers. although the main reason for my tears will be obsolete when he returns, it will be so sweet to know i can be comforted by him in my sadness.